Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Weird and Horrific Holiday Gifts

I enjoy purchasing the weirdest, strangest, and most horrific holiday gifts for those members of my circle or family who are either creepy or who I cannot stand.  Here are some tips on giving the creepiest or most horrible holiday to one of the two.  All the pix are clickable in this article in case you need to purchase these emergency holiday items right away!

1.  Vegans & Vegetarians Who You Can't Stand - Some Vegans and Vegetarians are lovely people, but of course like all other people, omnivores, carnivores, and the like, you might just really want to offend the arsehole in your circle who does not consume meat and/or dairy products.  How 'bout some real taxidermy.  Happy Holidays, bastard!

2. The Ultimate Non-Smoker - Everyone has that irritating person in their circle or in their family who hates smoking. Well, if they can't beat you, why not join you? What's gross even for a smoker.  Yup, cigars!  Merry Christmas, dinkbag!

3. The Prude - The prude has a problem with everybody's sexual exploits, relationships, how they dress, how they speak, and how much they don't attend church or bible study. Well, let's help them with their problem, you know, how unfun and uptight they are...

4. The Non-Horror Fan - Nothing is more boring than somebody who cringes at horror movies and anything violent and or horrific that most of the rest of us enjoy...


5.  The Self-Help Junkies - This person constantly makes reference to Chicken Soup for the Soul and people they saw on TV telling them how to make their life better and constantly searches their soul, because they have no substance.  Happy fecking holidays!

6.  Organic Food Nazi - This person won't shut up about gluten free products, MSG, and the dangers of fast food and how immunizations make your kids autistic.  Happy Hannukah, dildo!

7. Perpetually on a Diet Dinkhole - This person will not shut up about being fat, counts every carb and calorie and exercises five times a day so they can eat an entire cheesecake in the basement after everyone has gone to bed.  Eat up, fatass!


8.  Super PTA Mom - My delinquent beat your honor student's ass every day after school.  Have a nice winter solstice, elitist snob!


9. Racist - This person will not stop defaming the president, gets upset when their kids listen to rap, doesn't believe the Holocaust happened, and is pissed all February long.


10.  Know-It All -This person is smarter than you.  They know everything.  You can't tell them anything that didn't happen to them or someone they know and trust me, they know this person way better than you do even if they are your bestie.  I guarantee she or he and a member of her family and at least 3 neighbors develop some of these...