Monday, February 8, 2016

10 Horribly Fantastic Films to Scare Your Valentine to Death!

I hate Valentine's Day and I always have.  It puts undue pressure on couples and makes those who are single feel like garbage each year.  Let's all just watch horror films and if you have a valentine, watch horror films with them and then have filthy sex during or after.

Yeah, it's cheaper than dinner and a movie at the theater and if you have sex in the theater, you risk getting arrested, so without further adieu, the 5 creepy films discussed below should have your sweetie shuttering in his or her come hither fawk me boots this Valentine's Day.


Did you know that Valentine's Day is the celebration of a priest, who was martyred in the year 269 in Rome?  He's the Patron Saint of engaged couples, love, and happy marriages. 

However, did you know that he's also the Patron Saint of epilepsy, fainting, and plague, among other fantastically light and fluffy things!?

I know this is St. Sebastiane and Cherubim, which are essentially a gallery of these paintings should be blown up at your local photo-lab or on Snapfish or those other types sites to place in your living room to horrify your lover.  Since no suitable photographs of St. Valentine being crucified exist, you'll just have to replace him with St. Sebastiane.  I also suggest watching the film, Sebastiane, which isn't a horror film, but it's absolutely horrifying.  That'll woo her or him.  I mean, the circle jerk scene with the false phallic accouterments is just something to behold!

Nothing says I love you better than an image of a naked cherub that looks like a baby hovering over a twink in a loincloth as he is nailed to a tree and assaulted by arrows and slowly dies.  Why do Christian painters always have to make everything so homoerotic and pedophilic?  Wait, is that a word?  Anyway, wait, are these painted by Catholics.  Never mind....I guess I needn't say more.

Except, I will say more, because that's how I roll, obviously.  Anyway, Cupid, when alone is always depicted as a winged baby just like the cherubim (mythical angels from heaven), but when he and his depicted with his legendary mythical lover, Psyche, they two are depicted together all naked and stuff, he suddenly grows into a full sized huminoid or they are both simply depicted as naked cherub baby things, which may also be considered imagery that evokes disturbing thoughts in many.

If you'd like to find out about the actual St. Valentine, who we're not sure is actually even the genuine St. Valentine, check out this article and video at  Click here, history buffs.....

Since we have no effing idea who St. Valentine actually even is, let's use St. Sebastiane as a suitable stand-in.  He was crucified by being shot by arrows while nailed to a tree in ever the homoerotic manner, because he was obviously Catholic.  Supposedly St. Valentine was decapitated, but who cares.  That's not the point.  We're using St. Sebastiane as a viable substitute this Valentine's Day.  You know, since this is likely St. Valentine...

Ok, so Sebastiane (1976)'s not a horror film, but this sets the sexy Valentine mood that makes you sure to score.  However, if you're a female and you're on a Valentine date night with a straight male, you may need the services of a fluffer, so invite over a trusted friend. Wouldn't that be fun?

So, onto the films that are actually horror or thriller films.  Sebastiane is just an added bonus to the selection of Valentine-friendly holiday films to add to your sexy-time arsenal that will make you sure to score this Valentine's Day!

1.  Frankenhooker (1990) -  Nothing tells your girl you love her more than when you use hooker parts to reconstruct her after she has an unfortunate lawnmower accident.

You can watch it for free from your bedroom desktop, laptop, or mobile device on Hulu with your sweetheart as long as you have a Showtime Subscription by clicking here.  It's also available on AT&T's Uverse (click here), Comcast Xfinity (click here) if you subscribe to either of those services.  If you are a member of Shudder, you can watch it by clicking here.

If you haven't seen it, you can watch a 2 minute preview of Frankenhooker on Vudu for free by clicking here.  

2.  Hellraiser (1987) - Frank and Julia have a love story for the ages!  Julia brings Frank dudes and he consumes their life force and then she meets her end or so we think she does...

If you subscribe to Comcast XFinity Go, you can watch Hellraiser for free by clicking here!  Members of Shudder can view Hellraiser here.

3.  Monster (2003) -  Aileen and Tai dig each other.  They go roller skating.  They hold hands and have hot lesbian love.  Aileen is a serial killer and she's got serious issues.  Tai loves her anyway.  However, the plot thickens...I love Journey.

You can watch Monster here for free via or by downloading the Popcornflix app by clicking on the respective links for your Apple device, Android device,  your Blackberry by clicking here,   Roku offers Popcornflix viewing for free by clicking here!

4.  Dear Mr. Gacy (2010) - An ambitious college student develops a jailhouse romance with John Wayne Gacy, albeit, it's kinda one sided. William Forsythe sparkles as Johnny, who's got a boy-crush on this curious college student.

5.  Caligula (1979) -  Experience the rise and fall of the rather eccentric Roman Emperor, Caligula.  Malcolm MacDowell fantastically nails this role as well as all three of his sisters, who he's totes digging on, and um, a horse, and pretty much everyone's wife.

7.  Dead Girl (2008) - Some very naughty boys find a naked girl in an abandoned hospital, wrapped in plastic.  They think she's dead, but she's very much alive and they love to love her, but she doesn't love it so much.  In fact, I'm not sure she's an actual girl, either.  Nothing like half necrophilia to get your Valentine in the mood to celebrate.

8. Nekromantik 1 & 2 (1987 & 1991) - Rob works for Joe's Cleaning Agency as a body removal worker.  Robby loves the dead, like really "loves" them in a physical manner.  Betty and Rob love to love the dead together, too.  The 1992 film, Nekromantik 2 is the sequel. Hey, one man's trash is another one's lover.  Nekromantik 2 is available via OVGuide by clicking here, where you can view the movie trailer!

9.  Natural Born Killers (1994) -  Mickey and Mallory Knox's tale is a love story for the ages.  Mickey sweeps Mallory off her feet from her home where her father sexually abuses her and emotionally abuses Mallory, her mom (Mrs. Poole), and her brother Kevin, kinda.  Kevin is free, he's freeeeeee!!!!  Yeah, after Mickey and Mallory decide to kill dear old Dad, portrayed with excellence by Rodney Dangerfield.  Mickey and Mallory then commence on from Mallory's broken home, now totally wiped out to a cross-country All-American killing spree!  This film has a killer soundtrack, which includes NIN's, "Something I Can Never Have".  I love Oliver Stone.  He's one of my favorites.  I think doing lots of acid in the 60's, for him, was a smart move!

10.  Sleeping With the Enemy (1991) -  Julia Roberts stars as a battered wife, Laura, who lives in a beautiful home by the beach on Cape Cod with her husband, Martin, an abusive and controlling and fabulously wealthy investment counselor, who appears to be the full package on the surface. He beats the crap out of her and controls every aspect of her life.  Laura plans her escape and begins her new life with her new life in Iowa, but the plot thickens.  Cape Code is beautiful in summer! I grew up in Massachusetts, and that's a common vacation spot for my family, but I never accompany them, pretty much, because I'm lame and spend much of my time working and sleeping.