Saturday, August 22, 2015

Nasty & Unappealing Folk Remedies & Magic

One of my first conversations with one of my oldest friends was a discussion about how in my white dress, I looked like a nurse carrying a voodoo satchel.  We were cutting class to go to the beach on a near 100-degree day on a summer day in Massachusetts.  Anyway, I knew we'd be friends for years to come when she told me that if you rubbed your period blood on a man's pork chops he'd be yours forever, according to a recent book on Santeria and Voodoo she had read at the school library.

That reminds me of the first item on this list.  How do you guys know that we never menstruated into your dinner or your cup of coffee?  Is that a fetish?  I bet it is.  It's like crimson showers. How sexy!

Menstrual Blood Coffee & Tea - According to some traditions of hoodoo, which is essentially practiced among residents of the Southern part of North America, as well as among a select population of Sicilian people, if you serve up drops of your menstrual blood in a tasty beverage, such as coffee or tea, or any other drink of meal, I'd imagine, (which I am sure is so totally filled with iron, and hopefully not Ebola, HIV, and Hepatitis, among other nasty pathogens and diseases), to the man, who is likely the object of your desire, you'll certainly become the object of his sexy time desires.  I suppose it's sort of like when a dog sniffs your crotch.  That's certainly an attractive image.  Speaking of which, are any of you guys thirsty?  Can I offer you something to drink?  I know you're parched!

Animal Poop &Beaver Balls as Contraception -  In Ancient Egyptian, women employed crocodile poop as a contraception method.  Being that crocodile dung is slightly alkaline, which is the case with spermicides used today, it may have actually worked.  However, i'd imagine if your wife or girlfriend's poon smelled like crap, it'd probably be a deterrent for anyone who came anywhere near it.  I wonder how they worked the crocodile patties up in there?  I'd like to be a fly on the wall in Ancient Egypt, but I'd be wearing a gas mask.  At one time, in North America, women would dunk dried beaver balls in alcohol and then drink the resulting mixture to avoid pregnancy.

Mercury - Mercury was once used as a therapy for Syphilis, which was quite recent, actually, in the Victorian era and slightly before.  It was arguably an effective treatment.  I'm quite sure that drinking or eating Mercury probably killed all sorts of things in your body.  In Ancient China, women used to drink Mercury as birth control.  Again, I'm sure it was effective.  I don't think Mercury was very good for your stomach, throat, mouth, or your lady parts.  Yeah, Mercury, I am sure was effective at killing anything or stopping anything from either growing or flourishing in your body.  Hi ho, quicksilver?