Tuesday, November 22, 2016

10 Horiffic Holiday Gifts for 2016

Among this horrible holiday list this winter are, of course, ugly Christmas sweaters, but a few other gems are also being put forth on display on this grotesque blog among grizzly disease, pus-filled buboes, and other horrors.  I hope Elf on the Shelf, Krampus, and the other horrors of the winter season don't descend upon your homes, dear readers.

1.  Resusable Feminine Napkins (Pads) - Disposable maxi pads and diapers made it possible for women to bleed all over clean "rags" instead of menstruating on actual rags and for babies, the elderly, and the infirm to pee and poop in diapers to be disposed.  Let's bring back this retro trend this holiday and give that special lady some fashionable items on which to bleed during their monthly flow!

2.  D*ck in a Box - Everyone remembers the episode of SNL where Justin Timberlake seeks to give his special lady a part of himself for the holiday season (his d*ck in a box)...just what ever lady wants for this holiday season!

3.  Men's Special Fabric Panties - Men need pretty panties, too.  For your favorite Cat Dad, the supremely "comfortable" Kitty Panties are super appropriate.  For those who are deserving of a gift that's a little more saucy, the sexy Zebra tail cawk cover is the fancier choice!  I prefer the uncomfortably knit Kitty Christmas Panties for men!

4.  Cat Suit for Furries - For your favorite fur-fetish geared feline friend, a white, fluffy cat suit is appropriate this holiday season as the purrrrrfect gift.  Cat Dads everywhere can become a true surrogate for their feline fur child if they truly wish to do so.  Long live those furries!

5.  Anitomically Correct Drinking Vessels - Long live ovaries and diverse sexual organs.  It's unfortunate that the intersexed may have difficulty finding their representation in a mug, but you can always find your local potter, who is interested in creating new and unique treasures.  These are the perfect gift for all your single friends!

6.  Knit Ladies' Granny Panties - And you guys thought I was gonna leave the ladies out of uncomfortable undergarments'!  These knit panties will ensure that your vajayjay is as itchy as it was for those of our foremothers.  Be lucky the whalebone corset isn't a staple of modern day fashion.

7.  Personal Trepanning Kit - This isn't a lobotomy, it's a trepanation kit!  If you ever feel like increasing blood-flow to your third eye for a more youthful exuberance towards life, why not perform your own brain surgery?  This is the perfect holiday gift for your favorite mad scientist, who wishes to increase his or her knowledge through their third eye!

8.  Poop Mugs - For your constipated friends who enjoy coffee, why not indulge them in a constant reminder of the explosive bout of diarrhea they will be experiencing after drinking thir morning cup-a-joe!

9.  The Ugly Christmas Sweater - Cats are a year-round staple lately, but this Angry Kitty Christmas Sweater speaks volumes.  Express yourself in the form of a fancy gift to your favorite cat owner this holiday season.  For those who believe both Biggy and Tupac are still alive, the more appropriate gift is the "Snowtorious" sweatshirt that alludes to the fact that Biggy has indeed arisen as the new Frosty for a modern day.  For a more classic approach, the fancy holiday scene is a fabulous choice!

10.  Taxidermied "Mouse" Cover - For the most active on the interwebs on your list, this fabulous pun in the form of a "mouse" cover is the clear choice for holiday giving!